


Fret

by NormieScum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, CLiche cliche cliche, Fluff, It's hard to explain without giving it away, M/M, This was fun to write though, boy I need some original ideas, erejean - Freeform, jeaneren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-09-27 10:51:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10015811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormieScum/pseuds/NormieScum
Summary: ❝ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴍʏ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ɪғ ɪ ᴘᴀᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴍʏ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴀɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ sᴀᴡ ᴍᴇ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ?❞





	1. Memento Mori

**Author's Note:**

> So this happened. Part of it is from personal emotions and majorly relies on vent writing but the last part of it is definitely something that just kinda fell into place. I'm going to do a second chapter because I feel like it's not exactly finished how it is. I've been working on this for like a week now and couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it and here we are. I'll get the second part out ASAP.

“Why’d you leave New York to come here?” It’s a question Eren has grown used to hearing, the sheer repetitiveness of it makes him sick to his stomach and he finds any way he can to avoid the question.

“I didn’t think I’d see a shrink to get questioned about moving but uh…the cold. I hated the snow.” He shrugged the question off, taking a sip from the bottle of water that had been propped up between his legs. The male rubbed his ear nervously, looking out the window towards the coastline. “I mean, have you seen how nice it is today. I think I’m gonna go to the beach later-” It was a lie, he hated how hot it got here in Miami. He wasn’t even from New York City, just a small town called Westfield but sometimes they’d go into the city on the weekends as ‘kids’. He was 27 now, his birthday had come and passed without him even really recognizing it. Mikasa and Armin threw a little party but he felt vacant. Physically there, mentally somewhere else.

“Ah. But I think you’re lying.” Dr. Hanji was a bit of a mastermind, she always picked up when he was lying. He didn’t know why he even bothered anymore. “Why don’t you tell me about home.” He pauses, clearing his throat.

“What about it? I moved away from there for a reason.”

“So what’s the reason?” Fuck. He rests his chin on the palm of his hand and his green eyes search for the answers outside the window. With a heavy sigh, he turns back to Hanji.

“My mother passed.” She hums, scribbling down notes. The memories of Carla come flooding back like a wave of horrifying reality; the awareness that he’s horribly alone sets in and his lip quivers.

“Tell me about her.” Every week they get to this and he gives up, it’d been weeks and they’d managed to get nowhere but Mikasa’s scolding and support makes him want to get over this so he can get on with his life. Without the sleepy town he’d left behind and especially the people in it.

“She was tall and thin, warm. She had the most beautiful hair and eyes.”

“She sounds beautiful. What was your relationship with her like?” This all seems very pointless to Eren but he plays along, trying not to think too much into it so he doesn’t become upset.

“It was good. I was pretty devastated when the accident happened.” He fidgeted nervously, crossing one of his legs over the other. “Are we almost done for the day? I have a lot to do today.” Hanji bites her lip and looks over her notes. But she ignores his question, Eren does this when he becomes uncomfortable, he runs. 

“I want you to tell me about Jean Kirschtein.” His eyes widen and he jumps to his feet like he’s going to leave but instead, he sits back down.

“Why him!?”

“You’ve mentioned him a few times. It seems worth talking about.”

“It isn’t. There isn’t anything there.” He mutters nonsense under his breath, anything to drown out the way his heart is beating painfully out of his chest.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Can I go now?”

“Can you just tell me about him then?”

“He’s a jackass. I hated him.” Eren laughs, digging his nails into his forearm to scratch nervously. He leaves thick white tracks down his arm and its obvious that he’s bothered. Out of concern, Hanji asks again.

“Tell me about him.”

“I-” He starts, trying to figure out why he was so bothered in the first place. He leans forward to grab the stress ball off the table in front of him and leans back against the couch. Squeezing several times, he lets out a sigh. “He’s some guy from high school.”

“You two fought quite a bit, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Any reason why?” Eren pauses, to think over how much he wants to give up to this practical stranger. Shrugging it off, he let out an unconvincing laugh and looked back towards the window. He just wanted to get away.

“He was a complete asshole.” His eyes soften, narrowing to half-lids and he leans back against the cushions of the couch. Pulling a pillow into his lap, he hugs it to his chest.

“Wanna talk about it?” Eren half expects to say no, but he just can’t.  

“Yeah.” He exhales loudly, tapping one of his fingers over his class ring.

“He helped me learn about myself without even realizing it.”

“Your sexuality?”

“It was deeper than that.”

“How do you know, Eren?” The brunet dwells on this for some time, unsure of how to proceed. He’s never been this honest with himself during the day. It’s easy when he’s at home alone lying in bed missing the man he pretended to hate. They hadn’t even hated each other. By senior year, they were friends. At least Eren considered them friends. Jean was there for him when he needed someone who could be unsympathetically honest. They worked well together, Jean kept him level headed and he’d brought Jean out of his selfishness in many ways.

“I was falling in love with him.” He admits finally, his voice weaker than usual. This isn’t why he’s here, but his unrequited loved atoned for some of his other issues. One being honesty. He had to be honest with himself if he ever wanted to move on.

“You believe that?” He wants to take offense but doesn’t, he can see where she’s coming from. He was young, and still is.

“I know.” There’s a painfully real strain to his voice when he admits this. “I’ve been gone for almost a decade and there’s not a day I don’t think about him. I’ve dated casually and no one measures up to my expectations.”

“Is he straight?” Without thinking about it, Eren nods. Jean was always chasing the girls in high school, there was no way he was gay. The session ends with Hanji telling him about how impressive he is, normally ‘teenage angst’ doesn’t live on so long and he might be the first person to reach his 30s with it still intact. It’s a joke but he doesn’t think it’s anywhere near funny. He can’t be mad at her though, he knows her ways are unethical and it’s actually helped him more than it’s hurt.   

Eren manages to forget about Jean for a few hours until he’s on the boardwalk with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his Chinos. The warm sun on his cheeks and the relaxing scent of salt water should feel like home but it doesn’t. The couples walking past him have no idea how lucky they are and how much he envies them. He works himself up enough that he’s gritting his teeth and digging his overgrown nails into the palms of his hands. When he thinks about his modest hometown, he remembers the reason he moved to the city where being gay wasn’t such a spectacle. Not that people back home would hurt him if they knew, he just really didn’t know how to face them. His preference wasn’t that important that he needed to tell anyone, he told himself. But these days it was a secret he didn’t want to keep anymore. Every day he was hit with the urge to shout it from hilltops so that it carried all the way home with the wind.

Going out on a whim, Eren stops at a park bench and pulls his phone out. Staring at the screen for several minutes, he admires his background screen. It’s a horribly blurry picture of the sunset back home at a scenic overlook he and Jean used to go together to get high. He remembered the night as one of his fondest memories, the way the other male was harsh but in a more discerning way to where it wasn’t exactly about Eren. Jean was a negative force to most that met him, he had a habit of telling people the truth whether they liked it or not and he was disregarded as unpleasant. Admittedly, Eren had felt the same in the beginning but after a while he grew fond of the male’s morality.

Slowly pulling up his Facebook app, Eren let out a defeated sigh before hesitantly typing Jean’s full name into the search bar. When a profile pops up, his heart thuds against his chest and he immediately regrets his actions. He’d never added him because he didn’t want to know what was going on in his life. He didn’t want to think about how okay Jean was now that he wasn’t around. But curiosity got the better of him and thumb hit the ‘add’ button before he could even think this through. He knew Jean was always attached to his phone so he wasn’t surprised when the request was approved almost immediately. This felt like both a small victory and a large defeat, he wanted to be in Jean’s life but he wasn’t sure what effect this would have on his mental health. It’d taking him awhile to get over everything and move on and while he was still struggling every day, he didn’t feel weak. It took immense strength to leave everything behind and find a better life. There was nothing left for him in New York and everything for him here in Miami. He dwelled on the social media reconnection for a few minutes before deciding to message Jean.

‘Hey shithead, how are u’

He watched the screen, waiting for the read receipt to pop up and when it did, he couldn’t sit still because the jitters were getting the best of him.

‘Hey lol I'm fine how r u’

Eren frowns, he seems disinterested and it’s hard not to feel insecure. Feeling as if he’d made a huge mistake, the brunet locks his phone and gets up without answering. Leaving Jean on ‘read’ is the only option he feels he has because it makes him feel like he has the upper hand. Call it childish, but it comes as a sense of relief when he reads further into Jean’s profile and finds that he’s single. His profile picture, is probably the saddest thing Eren has ever seen. It’s typical of him; Jean is shirtless and he’s flexing his undoubtedly impressive arms which makes everything even more frustrating for Eren. He can’t help but admire his finely chiseled features and his hair is grown out now which makes him look so much more mature. By accident, Eren likes the photo.

Several days pass and Eren has managed to forget about how upset he was previously. The scars temporarily disappear and he gets back to business as usual. He works in an office here, answering phone calls. Horribly dreary but it’s an easy way to make money. The headset propped on his head plays customer’s voices that ring into his ear and make him forget about the world outside of this place. He enjoys working, even if its monotonous and lonely it’s a good escape. The normalcy of the day leaves Eren feeling drowsy and comfortable, unlike his usual state of mind. He takes his lunch break at the end of the day so that he can leave work early, sitting in his car for a few minutes outside of his therapist’s office until it’s time for his session. In that time, he scrolls Facebook. His feed is full of people posting about their daily life and the occasional baby or marriage announcement; nothing he hasn’t seen before. That is until he scrolls past an update Sasha has posted. It’s a selfie of her and Connie on either side of Jean. They look the same, but more mature now. Jean has a full beard, not something he’d expected to see on the other male but hell he pulls it off well. He has bags under his eyes and Eren can’t help but laugh because they’re most likely there from putting up with Connie and Sasha. When he realizes where they’re at, however, his heart almost stops. The check-in location is in Florida. When he reads the comments, he sees Sasha telling Armin they took Jean to Disney for his birthday. His heart lurches and he reaches out in front of him for something to hold onto out of fear that he’ll pass out. His weary eyes scan the outside of his car and for a second he hallucinates his heart falling from his chest and leaving him behind. His head is pounding and it takes all of his self-control not to cry right here. Part of him wants to skip this therapy session but if he’s ever needed it. It’s now.

So when he finds himself pacing back and force in Hanji’s office, why is he at a loss for words?

“You seem restless today, Eren.”

“I always am.”

“Well more so than usual. Did something happen?”

“He’s here.” She pauses, staring at him in confusion.

“What’s that?”

“Jean is here, he’s in Orlando.”

“Oh, vacation?” Eren nods. “Well that’s fine, he’s still a good three hours from you.”

“I prefer him to be at least fifteen hours away.” She frowns.

 “Hm. Are you bothered because you want to see him?”

“I don’t.” Eren finally sits on the couch and stares out the window.

“I think it’d be good for you to see him and tell him everything.” Eren chokes on air before laughing, but he’s not sure what he’s laughing at.

“Are you kidding?”

“No, I think to move on, you need to be honest with everyone including yourself.” Eren thinks about this for a moment, it wouldn’t be too bad seeing Sasha and Connie. Jean would just be an asshole, he knows this much but he does want to see him in a way.

“I don’t know if I could handle it honestly.”

“Ah. Is that why you haven’t told him yet?”

“Back home, being gay wasn’t really…a good thing. Here it’s welcomed for the most part. I dunno. It just never would’ve ended well.”

“So you’re saying you never knew anyone that was gay back home.” Eren thinks it over, he couldn’t say that he really did.

“Well…strangers. But people didn’t just confess it. The town was too small and word traveled fast. It was just easier to move away. I feel like Jean doesn’t hate me as much as he would’ve if I’d said something.”

“Hate you? You think he does?” It wasn’t fair. They’d come so far since they were young and rowdy and Jean had admitted he never had ill feelings for Eren multiple times but why did it still feel that way?

“No. He doesn’t. It’s just hard for me to imagine him being okay with this. But…it’s been ten years. He’s probably a completely different person now.”

“Do you think you’d still love the person he’s become?”

“I’d love him no matter what.” He says this before thinking.  That’s how he knows it’s true. No matter what Jean did, he could never feel any different. There’s a feeling of familiarity in the way that they are and the way that Jean is. Eren doesn’t know what he’d do if they were any other way, but he could never not love him.

“You can handle anything, you know that? You’ve proved that much. You’re strong and I think you should give him a chance to at least know. You need closure and he needs to know how you feel.” In a way, he knows she’s right. He’s gone this far without seeing Jean and he’s had so much time to grieve over something he’s never confronted, what could it hurt?

“I guess you’re right. I just don’t know how to bring it up. He’s here for his birthday isn’t that kinda selfish?”

“Not at all. I don’t think you have enough faith in yourself Eren.”

“It’s hard to. But uh…I’m gonna do it. I think.” He pulls his cell phone out to text Sasha, asking her if he can call her and he’s not surprised when he sees her calling him almost immediately afterward. When he looks up at Hanji, she’s waving him out the door.

“Oh please, go. Just let me know how it goes!” Eren gets up, darting towards the door. “You’ll be fine kiddo.”

Eren looks over his shoulder as he puts the phone up to his ear, offering Hanji a final smile before disappearing out of her office.

“Hey Sasha, how are you!” He’s eager to talk to her; his lips curving into a wide grin as he bounds towards his car.

“Oh it’s good! We’re sitting at a bar on the beach having drinks! Say hi to Jean and Connie!” She coos and when he hears Jean’s deep voice in the background, he freezes. He’s obviously bickering with Connie over something but he stops when he hears Sasha to say hello. Him giving Eren the time of day, this sincere greeting, seems almost too perfect to be true. He stops in his tracks, the hot sun beating down on his back.

“Hey guys-” He mutters finally. “I uh-…I was wondering if you’d mind if I drove that way to see y’all.” He cringes at his own obtained southern dialect but little does he know the male listening to his voice over speaker finds it more than adorable. Grabbing the phone from Sasha, Jean holds it up to his mouth.

“What was that, faggot, you’re coming to see me?” Eren’s head is spinning and he lets out a nervous laugh. Jean has called him ‘faggot’ since they were teenagers so it’s no shock he uses that wording. But the way he says it, he seems almost…excited.

“Y-yeah, is that alright…dude?” He waits for a response, opening his car door and sliding into the car that’s hot from sitting in the lot.

“Hell yeah, we’ll get drunk. When will you get here?” He hears Jean bickering with Sasha, which he can only imagine what she’s saying. Out of anyone that’s ever been close to sniffing the crush out, she got the closest.

“Uh…it’ll be late. It’s a 3 hour drive.” Jean frowns, leaning back in his chair with a heaving sigh.

“Why don’t I meet you halfway? Have Mikasa drive you or something. If you leave now I will.” His chipper voice brings a smile to Eren’s face and begrudgingly, he’s giggling over everything.

“Someone’s eager. I don’t remember you being near this impulsive, Jeanbo.” The nickname slips from his lips and brings hundreds of memories flooding back but he doesn’t have a chance to even acknowledge them because Jean takes his breath away again.

“Ah, I’ve changed a lot since you took off on us, idiot. You should have no issue with this, impulse is your middle name.”

“Actually it’s-”

“Felix. I know your middle name, asshole. Are you coming or not?”

“Already on the way. Port St. Lucie is about halfway, there’s a Shell gas station just on the edge of town. I’ll meet you there?”

“I’ll /race/ you there. Bye.” Before Eren can respond, he hears the line cut off. He’s too excited to even ask Mikasa to take him so instead he goes home and calls a taxi. He packs a back pack with his essentials and a couple spare outfits and by the time he’s done, the car is waiting out front. His heart is racing and his hands are shaking as he explains the situation to the cab driver who assures him that he knows the quickest route there and just like that, Eren is on his way to see the love of his life. He wants to text Jean but since he knows he’s driving, he doesn’t. Instead, he leans against the door frame and tries to catch some sleep since he hadn’t been sleeping well recently and he wanted to be fully rested, if that were even possible.

The hour and a half drags on impossibly slow and when the cab driver lets him know they’ll be there in ten minutes, he’s practically hyperventilating from how worried he is but he doesn’t let it show. He receives a text and when he opens it he realizes its from Jean.

‘I beat u’ Eren doesn’t even respond because as they’re pulling into the parking lot he sees the tall blond fueling up what appears to be a rental car. Eren pays the cab driver, tipping him generously before slowing walking to Jean. The man doesn’t seem to be paying attention, he’s staring at his phone while holding the gas nozzle in place. Eren ducks down and hides on the other side of the car while he finishes up. He watches Jean falter, and there’s a worried look on his face like he thinks Eren blew him off. When he noticed Jean pulling out his cell phone and holding it up to his ear, he just lets his phone ring. The brunet sneaks around the car and sneaks up on the man, gently gripping his shoulder. When Jean feels the touch, his body jerks and he spins around. It’s almost as if he’d expected someone else, the way his eyes light up and Eren can’t believe how excited they both are. Jean looks like he wants to hug him but the much taller blond does not.

“You got…tall.” Eren comments, clearing his throat to avoid from sounding as jittery as he feels. Just an hour ago he was pining over Jean’s absence. He was so sure he’d never see him again but here they were.  

“Taller. Seems like you stopped growing in high school.” He teased playfully, biting his lower lip nervously.

“Shut up, I’m already sick of your attitude.”

“I’m kidding, I promise I won’t torment you as bad as I did when we were kids.”

“That’ll last about an hour.” Eren remarks, Jean clears his throat awkwardly.

“I uh…we should get going.” He suggests and Eren agrees, sprinting to the passenger’s side of the car.

They drive in silence for awhile before Jean finally breaks the silence. Eren’s gaze is fixated ahead but he’s looking at Jean out of the corner of his eye. Just watching him drive. The man is so mystifying now— kempt but somehow still scruffy beard and hair, he’s wearing Ray Ban aviators to hide his stunning hazel eyes from Eren, and he smells so deeply of cigarette smoke and expensive leather. Eren shifts awkwardly as he notices all of these things about Jean and somehow the blond notices.

“You’re nervous.”

“what- no, I’m just trying to keep myself awake.” He forces himself to yawn and he makes his voice sound groggy on purpose. Jean lets out a satisfied hum at the noise.

“Sleep, we’ve got an hour to go.” He suggests, that same considerate tone is in his voice. Eren would recognize it anywhere. Jean just cares. Period. He doesn’t care who it’s about or how much he dislikes them, he’s got room for everyone in his heart and Eren feels like a fool for doubting him. For some reason, there’s new found hope that something good can happen from all of this. But he doesn’t want to bet everything on it because there’s still that chance that it could end horribly but he must take the risk.   

“Okay, I’m just gonna rest my eyes a bit.” And he does, so much so that he ends up falling asleep. He awakens to Jean’s hand on his shoulder shaking him awake.

“Eren…we’re here.” When he opens his eyes, he realizes they’re in a hotel parking lot. Palm trees and the bright sunshine are a welcoming sight that he’s grown to love about Florida. It seems minuscule but this is his first time waking up to Jean, he savors the way the male’s hand is softly rested on his shoulder. The gentle voice he uses to urge him back into the world from his nap. It’s too perfect and he feels like there’s a crash waiting to happen; this is all too good to be true.

“Hm, I’m up.”

“You still sound tired.” He laughs, but when Eren sits up and stretches Jean’s hand moves away.

“C’mon it’s late. You can stay in my room, Connie and Sasha made me get my own so they could…you know.” Eren gets it. Connie and Sasha have been together since middle school and it’s relieving to know that they’re still so close. He’s envious but happy for them.

“Still a thing, that’s good.” Jean scoffs, shrugging the remark off as he locks the car behind them and leads Eren towards the stairs to go to the second level of rooms.

“Yeah, they’re…something else. I have to wonder how they got so lucky.” He admitted, and for a second Eren thinks he hears pain in Jean’s voice.

“You okay..?” Eren asks, hesitant. Jean seems taken back and instead of playing it off as he normally did, he lets out a painfully honest exhale.

“I’m just lonely.” He admits, the brunet’s heartbreaking. “You’re awfully lucky to have gotten away. You know.” When they get to the room, Jean opens the door with the keycard and they’re hit with a wave of cool air that comes as a relief from the warm, humid Florida air.

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“I couldn’t leave my mom. She was so sick, I just…it wouldn’t have been right.” Was. Eren’s heart sinks and the pain in Jean’s voice suddenly becomes too familiar of his own.

“I’m sorry, Jean…when?”

“Last year.” Jean sits on the edge of one of the beds, kicking his shoes off. “I like to think she’s better off now but how in the hell would I know?” He lets out a pained laugh and instead of sitting on the extra bed, Eren sits down beside the blond. “I’ve relied on Sasha and Connie a lot…I think everyone else just up and left after high school.”

“I…left for a reason.” Eren clears his throat.

“I understand. It was right after your mom-…sorry. I get it though. I’m considering moving.” He pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and offers Eren one. Eren inclines, his fingers propping the cigarette to his lips and when Jean holds the lighter out to light it for him, his heart practically stops. His seafoam eyes gaze into Jean’s hazels as he does. When Eren exhales smoke, he also exhales a lot of his fears about this moment. It’d been a figment of his imagination for so long and seemingly in an instant, it was happening.

“Where are you gonna move to?” There’s hopefulness in his voice.

“Not sure, thought about just traveling for awhile. I just don’t know how much longer I can take that town. I think that’s why they brought me away for the weekend. It’s my first birthday without her.” Eren knows how close Jean was to his mother, even if he acted like a dick to her at times; he still cared about her a lot.

“There was another reason I moved.” Eren adds randomly, is this really the time to bring it up?

“What was it?” Jean’s eyes look hurt as he takes a long drag on his cigarette.

“I…” As if he’s an open book, Jean reads it on his face. In his eyes. Jean has always been receptive to stuff like this but Eren didn’t expect it to be obvious.

“It was me, wasn’t it?” There’s disappointment and Eren feels even more guilty than before.    

“I’m really sorry…I never meant to freak you out with my- feelings. You have a great life and you seem so carefree and content. I’m glad you’re happy now but is it wrong that I wanted to be the one to make you happy?” The words fall from his mouth so fast that Eren can barely keep up. He’s second-guessing the meaning of each word the other speaks and he can’t exactly just ask what he’s talking about because he’s too tongue-tied.

“Wait…what?” It sound an awful lot like Jean had feelings for him too but he doesn’t want to assume that.

“I can’t believe you’re still so oblivious.” Jean is annoyed and Eren is getting stressed out too but out of frustration, he takes a chance.

“You were into me?”

“Yes idiot, holy shit.” Jean snuffs his cigarette in an ashtray next to the bed and moves from Eren to lean against the headboard of his bed, leaving Eren by his feet. The brunet can’t move, too shocked to say or do really anything. “It started as this stupid crush but I started noticing the dumbest things about you and it was just-…nevermind.”

“No! Tell me, please.” At this point, Eren is begging. He’s needed to hear this so long and he’s so happy that he can’t keep from grinning. “I’ve wanted to hear this from you for awhile…” He adds, moving into the middle of the bed so that he’s by Jean’s knees.

“You have?” Jean perks up and Eren can’t help but smile, nodding at him.

“Yeah…I uh, feel the same about you.” They both laugh and turn this into a bit of a joke, otherwise they’d both be crying. “I can’t believe you’re gay.” Eren practically shouts from how nervous he is.

“…I’m not. I’m bi, actually.” He corrects pointlessly, it didn’t really matter right now to Eren so he tries to brush it off. Eren gravitates closer, slightly. Jean’s legs are rested against his back and the brunet feels awkward facing away from him so he turns, lying beside Jean even though the bed has just barely enough room for them both. Jean doesn’t bother scooting over any, so their elbows touch.

“I don’t even know what to say. I was coming to see you because I thought it’d be best to get this off my chest and move on but I never expected you to feel the same.” Jean laughs at the irony of what the other is saying, he never expected this either.

“I can finally admit that I cried when you left. But if you tell anyone, I’ll kick your ass.”

“Awe, Jeanbo.” Eren nudges him and stares up, finally working up the courage to rest his head on the blond’s shoulder. “I don’t know what to say, this just seems sudden.”

“We don’t have to talk about it all now…we can take whatever this is slowly. I’m not even really sure about it.” Jean is sincere yet confused, and for the first time Eren frowns because he’s the king of second guessing but never has he once second guessed his feelings for Jean.

“I’ve been sure about it from the beginning…but we should go slow.” He sighs, disappointed but Jean doesn’t seem to catch on. Or if he does, he doesn’t show it. “You seem so mature now.”

“I’m not.” Jean laughs, awkwardly fidgeting. He’s out of practice and nervous around Eren. “You know…I thought a lot about driving my car into the ocean. I think maybe I wanted to know what it felt like to be drowning.” This catches Eren off guard and he looks up at the male again to see him tearing up. “I’ve never felt it until I started to realize what I felt for you. I never had to struggle, y’know? And when I started to catch feelings for you I wondered if it was a made up problem to make my life more interesting. Maybe I was just trying to be poetic.” He sighs, playing with a string that’s fraying off of the blanket. “I got addicted to drugs for a while. I made some dumb choices for no reason and I became more impulsive because foolishly, it reminded me of you. For the longest time I couldn’t believe you were actually gone. I’d find myself looking over my shoulder to try and talk to you and you weren’t there. It hurt a lot Eren, you just left and that was that.”  

It takes Eren a long time to come to terms with what Jean is saying. He’d been hurting so much that he didn’t consider the possibility that Jean would’ve been too. They’d both put themselves in this mess. Ten years he’d spent trying to forget, and here it was all in vain.

“I’m sorry, Jean I just didn’t think it was ever going to happen.”

“I know, I don’t blame you. I didn’t know what I felt for you was romantic for a few years. I kissed a guy and things sorta made sense because I thought of you. He reminded me of you. Whenever I think I’ve forgotten you, somehow you manage to come creeping back. It’s pitiful, really.”

“It’s not. You’re human. That’s all it is, Jean.” Hearing Jean had kissed a guy was both relieving but also frustrating because Eren was jealous that he wasn’t the first. Even though that didn’t really matter in the end, he’d daydreamed of Jean being clumsy and nervous about kissing his first boy and Eren dreamt that he’d be calm and collected, experienced. He wanted to take the lead with Jean and it was a little disappointing to find out that he’d already been with another man.

“I guess so, I just held myself to higher standards than all of this.”

“…I tried to fuck your girlfriend in 11th grade.”

“What-” Eren laughs, although it is not funny.

“I got drunk and hit on…” he forgets her name because he’d never really cared to remember it in the first place.

“Emma?” Jean suggests, one of his finely groomed eyebrows raised accusingly.

“…yeah her. I was gonna fuck her. I’m gay and I was desperate enough to try anything to get her away from you. I didn’t know it at the time, but it all sorta fell into place when I realized I cared about you.”

“Odd. But okay…I figured, she told me something along those lines had happened. We broke up a week later so I guess in a way it worked.” He snorts, fidgeting awkwardly. “So what now?”

“I don’t know, it’s sudden and I never planned this far ahead. That’s my point, we’re human and it’s been ten years. I think we have all the time we need to figure out how to make this work. I mean…if that’s what you want.”

Jean looks up, staring into his eyes long enough that Eren starts to become insecure with his confessions.

“I’d like that.” He answers finally and Eren is so relieved that he lets out the breath of air he’d been holding in.

“God, this is just…”

“Too perfect?” Jean is wary, he wants this but he never expected to actually get it so he feels nervous that maybe it is too good to be true but Eren’s optimism has returned for the first time in so long and he believes in fairy tales.

“Jean?”

“What, Eren?”

“Can I kiss you?” Jean has always prided himself on how unmoved he is but this question, reduces him to mush and he’s practically hanging from Eren’s every movement. His head tilts down and he can see his own eyelashes out of the corner of his eyes. Eren is slowly moving closer so Jean moves his arm so that Eren can slide in close to his side. One of the brunet’s small hands rests against Jean’s chest and the other is on the pillow as he lets his fingers lace into the tresses of blond. They just look into each other’s eyes for awhile. Admiring the age that’s apparent now as well as the beauty marks and freckles. The flaws and the loveliness, they’re both in awe by the other. Eren is the one to close the gap between their lips, his soft lips pressing to Jean’s and he can taste nicotine on his breath as well as ten years of absence. Jean kisses back, but not eagerly. As if he’s learning to kiss for the first time, he takes his time learning Eren’s movements and the way he tastes. After what seems like forever, his arms snake around the smaller male to pull him on top of him.

A moan escapes Jean’s lips and it works as a cue for Eren to stop. While he’s eager to be close to him, it’s obvious that they’re far too emotional to go further than kissing. So the brunet pulls away, resting a hand on Jean’s cheeks.

“You okay?”  

“Mhm. I think we should just slow down.” Jean doesn’t acknowledge the comment, instead leaning up to peck his lips gently. Luring him back into a second passionate kiss. This time, he’s leading; his hands go to Eren’s head to tug gently on the soft brunet locks of hair that are much longer than Jean’s ever seen. But he loves it. He grinds his hips against Eren eagerly without even realizing he’s doing it causing Eren to let out a whimper but he stops the other.

“Seriously, Jean.” The blond whines, rolling them over so that Eren is against the mattress and he’s on top of him. Holding his body up with his palms to the mattress, Jean kisses down Eren’s cheek and neck and the smaller male can’t help but tilt his head to the side to give him more room. He feels submissive, Jean clearly being the alpha male. Eren prompts himself to ask Jean to stop again but stops when he realizes he’s actually kissing Jean. Not just kissing someone else and pretending he’s Jean. “You’re so bad…” He mumbles, clearly becoming worked up. Finally, Jean snaps out of it.

“Shit, sorry…I got carried away.” He moves off of him, lying beside him again. Just looking at him, his lips curved into a subtle grin. He’s never seen Jean look so peaceful and Eren feels a sense of pride wash over him when he realizes he’s responsible for making him this way.

“Yeah you did.” Eren sighs, sitting up and stretching his arms above his head so that his shirt rides up slightly. Jean immediately notices his exposed stomach and flops over into his lap to press kisses across his hip and stomach. Eren giggles, shoving gently at the larger male’s shoulder.

“Stop! Dork.” He’s elated but also terrified that this is all some sort of sick dream his brain has made up to help him cope. “Pinch me.” He mutters, looking at Jean expectantly. The blond complies, and he’s still there. Breathing a sigh of relief, Eren wraps his arms around Jean’s neck and breathes in his scent again.

“You’re so warm, Jean.” He observes out loud, making himself comfortable in the other man’s arms. When Jean says nothing, he looks up at him to realize that he’s asleep. Eren begins to think he’s high on the moment because he feels as if he’s floating. He feels so warm and comfortable all of a sudden; his life feels like it’s been leading up to this moment and suddenly it’s about so much more than just his love for Jean.  

The sunlight outside the motel window is so bright and it brings Eren’s fantasy to a screaming halt because he knows it was night time. He knows that it was and when he gets up, there’s no floor. He regrets turning away from Jean at all because when he looks back, he’s gone.

“What the fuck?!” He screams but the warmness is replaced with an overwhelming cold. It’s replaced with the feeling of being alone and the debauched illusion that everything is okay finally fades. He disassociates from himself and all he can hear is his own cries for help but they seem so far away.

And then he sees himself. It’s cold and bright and he is forced back into reality.

When he awakens, he is both confused but omniscient. Mikasa is at his bedside and he reaches for her. Eagerly, she takes his hand.

“What happened?”

“You wrecked your car Eren. Oh my god, I was so worried. I was so scared I’d lost you.”


	2. Meliora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is really short and may/may not clear up anything from the first chapter. I wanted it to be open for interpretation! I love subjective writing and it's really up to the reader to decipher what the ending is. Thanks for sticking with this! Expect to see more from me, especially since Erejean week 2017 is coming up!

Eren sits up straight on the bed, his entire body shuttering with pain. He recoils back against the pillow and when he sees Mikasa it’s easy to tell she’s been crying.

“What happened?” He asks her, she shakes her head and brings a tissue to her eyes to wipe away tears. He feels guilty for doing this to her but as always, he’s too worried about himself.

“You wrapped your car around a tree…you were goin-”

“Where’s Jean?” Mikasa pauses, frowning when she realizes what this was all about. From the look on her face, Eren assumes that he’d dreamt up all of it but she points towards the door.

“He’s in the waiting room. You were driving to meet him do you remember that?”

“No, I took a taxi.” He’s hit with a wave of confusion, Mikasa immediately shakes her head.

“No, you never made it out of town, Eren.”

“That’s bullshit!” He shouts, although painfully the memory of the cab driver comes flooding back. His face, Eren had never seen his face. The voice that’d told him to go to sleep in the car rings in his ears but it doesn’t sound like a man anymore. In fact, the feminine voice reminds him of his mother’s voice when she’d whisper him to sleep as a child.

“You almost died, do you know how serious this is? I was so worried…”

“No,” Eren mutters, clasping a hand over his face. “It felt so real. He was there with me, he was right here…” The brunet clasps his chest only to find that Jean is still right there. The warmth he’d felt of the male, the illusion was there all along in his heart.

“You should rest, Eren. You’re not making any sense.” He looks up at her and reaches for her hand to squeeze gently. Justo to make sure she’s real.

“Can I see Jean?” Mikasa hesitates, unsure of whether it’s a good idea. Eren has never told her about his feelings but she knows. She sighs finally, realizing there’s no point in arguing with him. Becoming upset wouldn’t be good for his condition either.

“I’ll ask a doctor.” Getting up to leave, the female looks over her shoulder before exiting the room. Eren watches her, mentally noting the way that she walks and talks. To make sure it’s normal because at this point he doesn’t trust himself.

When the door opens again, he looks up to see a very concerned Jean. Eren’s breath catches in his throat and he can feel the sobs collecting deep in his chest.

“Hey, you…” Jean mutters, sniffling. Was he crying?

“Hey.” Jean itches his nose nervously, walking closer to the bed until he can sit down in the chair at Eren’s side. Without saying anything, he reaches for Eren’s hand to give a gentle squeeze and the sheer closeness feels so similar to the ‘dream’ that he’s scared for a moment. But then suddenly, it’s completely different. He can feel the distance between him and Jean, the love that he’d fantasized about wasn’t there. They were just two strangers that’d gotten lost somewhere in the ten years they’d been apart. His hand feels fragile in Jean’s and the intimacy of the moment makes him tear up.

“They said you died…for a minute. Scary shit.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” Eren laughs, the pain wincing through and making it hard for him to even speak.

On the inside, he’s screaming

'I love you!'

'I love you!'

But words fall flat before he can even urge himself to speak them.

“I’m so sorry, Eren. I feel responsible.” Jean’s shoulders fall and he’s looking into his lap as if for answers.

“Don’t apologize.” Eren’s voice croaks and he pulls his hand away. “I know what it feels like to die now.” The joke hurts both physically and mentally. He’d give anything to be dead again if it were anything like his hallucination. Jean snorts, looking back up at the male with a bright shimmer in his eyes. Why is he so happy? Relieved even...

“Yeah, what’s that like?”

Eren is reluctant to answer, he doesn't want to sound so disappointed to still be here but he can't help himself.

“It’s heavenly…I can’t explain it.” He clears his throat, watching the rise and fall of the blond’s chest. “I saw an angel, Jean.” His voice is raspy yet quiet and the blond has to lean closer to hear him.

“An angel, huh?” Eren hesitates, hearing the disbelief in Jean’s voice. But instead of dropping it, he pushes onward.

“He looked like you.” Jean’s brow knits curiously and Eren frowns when he realizes how awkward this must be. But he can't stop himself, the words flow from his mouth hurriedly. “He was you. You were there and I thought that it was real…”

“That’s…weird.” It’s clear that Jean doesn’t know what to say. Any other time they’d probably be fighting but right now it’s obvious that the blond is being gentle with him. “Why me?” That is a question Eren doesn’t know whether he can explain to Jean. It happened so easily in the dream but he knows that it can’t be that way in reality. If this accident has shown him anything, it’s that fact.

“I uh…was just really excited to see you.” Eren’s green eyes haze over and resemble flimsy lace; fluttering rapidly as his lips and expression fade grimly. He weeps, Jean is finicky about how to react but he moves closer to Eren to wrap his arms around the male’s fragile, sore body.  

“I’m excited to see you too Eren…god, I thought I’d lost you.” Jean nuzzles his forehead into Eren’s lap, his long arms wrapped around the small of the other man’s back. This embrace feels so real in comparison and Eren can’t help but curl his body around Jean's. His fingers rake gently through locks of long blond hair and he hears the larger male let out a relieved sigh.

“Your mom would be so proud of you Jean.” He jolts upward, angry at first but his eyes soften. A lost desolate look in them.

“How did you know about my mother?”

“I saw it in my…vision or whatever happened. You were so upset, it was hard to see you that way.” The taller male doesn’t say much and Eren can tell he’s deep in, though.

“Yeah,over…it’s been hard.” He contemplates telling Jean everything but something stops him. Maybe he doesn’t want the sadness to be gone, for so long it’s been something he’s just lived with and what would he be without it? If Jean reacted well to his confession it’d be one thing…but if he was mad he’d have nothing left.

“I’m here for you, you know that.” Jean mumbles, nodding his head and there’s a silence where Eren thinks he would’ve kissed Jean if he could. He can imagine how easy it would be to just tilt his head up and kiss the blond. His lips are right there. But he doesn’t. He reaches for Jean’s hand and gives a gentle squeeze.

“I should be the one telling you that, idiot.” Jean laughs, turning his hand over for Eren. He has to avoid thinking too far into this, the behavior seems a little too friendly for two people that “hated” each other. But that wasn’t fair, they never really hated each other. Two people can disagree and fight without it being hate. It was more or less, discontentment. Eren yawns, the drugs hitting him hard and making his eyelids feel heavy but the words he wants to say fight for supremacy over the moment and he’s not sure whether to shout out nonsense or fall asleep.

‘When I look at you, my future doesn’t seem so melancholy’  

Eren’s mouth opens and his eyes track Jean’s gaze as the male sits up to look at him.

‘I’d give anything in the world to kiss you until my lips burn.’

Jean fidgets his hand nervously, he’s too polite to pull it away but he wants to. Eren holds onto him tighter.

‘I need you, I love you.’

Jean’s eyes fall to half lids and he shoots the smaller male a questioning gaze. As if they’re trying to communicate with each other through unspoken words; for a second Eren thinks maybe the blond can hear him.

‘Please just kiss me.’

“You okay Eren? You look like you want to say something.” His voice is cautious and the brunet thinks over the question for a few seconds before shaking his head. "If there's something you want to say, you should say it before it's too late." 

Eren considers this, but is it already too late? The words are so easy but he can't say them. So instead he shakes his head, waving his hand to shoo Jean away.

“No…I just- you should go. It’s getting late.” Eren clears his throat, feeling the lump already building in his throat. Jean seems disappointed, to say the least. And while he wonders why he doesn’t allow himself to question it too much. He doesn't actually even know whether it's late or not but outside the window is pitch black. 

“Oh…you’re right. I’ll come back tomorrow to check up on you then.” He drops Eren’s hand reluctantly and unhurriedly backs away from the bed with a compulsory smile creasing his face. But when he turns around, his façade dissolves and he appears just as miserable as Eren. When he looks over his shoulder, he doesn’t try to hide the expression either. “Goodbye Eren.” Eren wants nothing more than to beg him not to leave but he just can’t bring himself to. If this were anyone else, he’d be criticizing their choice to not say anything. But now in this position, he’s no longer the idealist he always was before. The moment he had with Jean wasn’t enough but he told himself it had to be. Situations like this never worked out realistically.

But still, mentally he was shouting at himself to stop the other man from leaving the room. Just say anything. His words falter but he continues to plead with his eyes; hoping Jean will turn around. But before he can speak, Jean stops in the door frame and looks back at him with an obscure smile. He’s propped against the cold wall and his hair looks messier than usual from the way he’s standing. His back is arched and he appears to be struggling to hold himself up. Jean looks so tired now, Eren can’t remember seeing that in his eyes before. The dark bags under his eyes seem almost haunting and the lingering stench of cigarette smoke distorts the delusion that everything is going to be okay.    

“Hey, Eren?” When he speaks, the sound comes from behind Eren’s ear and suddenly Jean seems closer to him than a room’s length away. Eren’s body ceases to move and the deep pain in his chest is undeniable now; he can hear his breathing slow down and with a murmur of air, he’s peaceful again.   

“Yeah Jean?”

“Wake up.”


	3. Perfidy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You leave me without saying a word. You don’t call for years…God dammit Eren we’re so old now. Then you do this to yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♡ I hate this so much but I also love it and I hope you do the same. ♡

When Jean received the call, he was in the middle of an unfamiliar supermarket in Florida, his cart filled with cases of beer and snack food. He had every intention on going back to the hotel and partying with the cute girl that’d given him her number the night before. He could see why Eren, Mikasa, and Armin moved here now and he was honestly considering doing the same. But that shrill, demanding ring from his cell phone instantly brought on a wave of conflicted emotions. He just had a gut feeling it was something bad but he’d expected the call to come from someone back home; not an unknown Florida number. His apprehension faded momentarily, he could only assume it was the beautiful girl.

“Hey you, we weren’t supposed to meet up for a few more hours…miss me already?” His complacent attitude faded quickly when he heard sniffling on the other end of the line.

“Jean, it’s Mikasa.” A wave of emotions hit him like a brick wall. Cold and demanding, his emotions for her were still buried deep within himself. He’d always had an emotional bond with the girl and even if it wasn’t romantic these days, it was still strong as ever.

“Hey, Mikasa. God are you okay?” He held his free hand over his opposite ear so he could hear her over the everyday bustle of people getting their groceries.

“It’s Eren…” At first, he cringed. It was always Eren. She was always so worried about him and Jean hated what the guy put her through. She was clearly in love with him so why did he carry on the way he did? His go-to emotion was jealousy but when he heard her let out a shrieking wail of emotion, he automatically changed his mind and became worried as well.

“What happened?” His voice was frantic and suddenly he forgot about the childish aversion he held for the other male.

“He was in an accident. It isn’t looking good. He’s stable but not coming around…I’m so scared.”

“What do you mean? When is he gonna wake up?” Jean abandoned his cart, fishing the keys out of his pocket to head back to the rental car. He wasn’t even sure where he was going but he had to be there for Mikasa at least.

“They don’t know if he is. Armin is overseas and I have no way of contacting him. I’m here alone and it’s just-”

“I’ll be there…what’s the name of the hospital so I can punch it in the GPS?” After giving him the details, Mikasa let out a sigh of relief. Honestly thankful that she didn’t have to be alone in this. She never disliked Jean but avoided him out of respect towards Eren; the two never got along and she didn’t want to worsen that. Which was why she was surprised about the details she’d picked up from Eren before he’d fallen unconscious.

“There’s something else you should know.”

“What is it?”

“He specifically asked for you. I was there when they brought him into the E.R.”

“Me? Why?” The shock that washed over Jean was enough to make his eyes narrow in disappointment. His entire body felt light for a second as the guilt settled in his chest. He’d always been so cruel to Eren, why would he have even thought at him at a time like that. “Idiot, I can’t believe he was so selfish to talk ill of me in a moment like that.” Out of guilt, Jean was running his mouth to avoid coping with his own emotions.

“It wasn’t anything like that. You knew about him right?” It wasn’t really her place to say but she knew it’d be easier for everyone involved if Jean had time to sit on the facts before arriving here. They’d made her aware that despite Eren being unconscious, he could still hear them. Maybe bringing Jean would be a way to pull him out of this, especially if the blond knew what Eren was feeling.

“About him being gay, yeah-…Mikasa, why?” It wasn’t a secret that Eren was gay. Well…it was. Eren thought it was. But Jean had known all along; it was something that’d been obvious to him from the start and admittedly at first, he’d been disgusted but as he grew close to him he learned to respect the other male’s sexuality.

“He has feelings for you. From the way he reacted, I think they were serious.” There was a sinking sensation in his gut and he let the knowledge settle in before even attempting to speak.

“I see…”

“Jean I need you to understand that if you come here you need to be respectful of that. Eren needs us to be understanding.”

“I promise I will. I want to be there for you…and for him.” When he hangs up the phone, he realizes that he’ll have roughly two hours to dwell on the sudden realization that his childhood frenemy might be in love with him. Even more shockingly, he feels as though he’s known all along. And there’s a part of him, even if it’s small, that would leap at this idea.

But at this point, he doesn’t know what’s going to happen so he doesn’t want to get too emotional.

The best part about dreams is that the person in them with you can be anything you imagine. So imagining that Jean was cool and collective instead of the giant hothead he was in real life wasn’t that far off in Eren’s imagination.

That stupid smirk and his idiotic laugh, how could anyone fall in love with that?

After staring at the brightness of the window, he welcomed the idea of gazing into Jean’s brilliant hazel eyes. In fact, the entire room was so bright it felt like it was closing in around him. Just sleep, he told himself. Squeezing his eyes shut and trying to force slumber to take over his body. But it just wasn’t happening and he quickly became frustrated. Letting out a loud scream in hopes a nurse would hear and come but no one did. He was completely alone and all he wanted was Jean to come back. Or the illusion of Jean. At this point he wasn’t even sure what was going on but he was so restless. When he tried to get out of bed, his legs felt like there were boulders tied to the end but somehow he managed to pull himself out of the bed. Removing the “restraints” from his arm, he walked towards the hallway. Squinting his eyes to see through the brightness. He saw a figure at the end of the hall.

“Hey!” He called out, following slowly but the person was too fast. He could make out that it was a woman from the shape. She was taller than him but other than that all she was to him was a black shadow.

But when she spoke, his heart was flooded with emotion.

“Eren, come here.”

“…mom?”

When Jean pulls into the hospital parking lot, the moon is hung heavily above the towering building. It’s mostly windows, he thinks the whole building would shatter and kill everyone inside if there were a storm; which is parallel to how he feels in the moment. The whole ride over he’d tried to convince himself that he does hate Eren but to no avail. So when he enters the building and the nurse leads him to Mikasa, it’s painful seeing how broken he is because in a way, he does love her.

His arms wrap around her petite body and he pulls her against his now muscular, defined chest.

“You’ve grown up.” She remarks, a faint laugh escaping her lips as she wraps her arms around his middle.

“So have you, god is that a grey hair?” He teases her, using it as an excuse to brush his fingers through her thick black hair that he’d always loved.

“Oh shut up,” She draws away but his hand grabs for hers before she can and he gives a reassuring squeeze.

“How are you holding up?”

“Not great, he looks so peaceful…I feel guilty for wanting him to come back because I know he’ll be in pain.” Jean shushes her, looking onward towards the patient rooms, he’s anxious to see Eren. He has something to say to him; something he’s needed to say for a long time.

“It isn’t selfish. He’s too young to leave us.” Jean laughs despite wanting to cry. “I…have a lot of time I need to make up for with him. I knew I shouldn’t have let him leave so suddenly. Believe it or not…I was hurting when you guys left. I really was.” Despite the act he put on, he was crushed to find out that they’d all moved away. He’d grown closer to all of them his senior year and it felt a hell of a lot like being left behind.

“I’m sorry Jean…Armin and I, we’d follow Eren anywhere and he made it obvious he had to leave town. It was best for him but I know leaving you was the hardest part.”

“Yeah, I just wish I would’ve been let in on the secret.” There it is, the dousing bitterness seeping through his words and Mikasa couldn’t help but cringe at that.

“I really am sorry.”

“Where is he?”

“Come on,” She leads him to the room, her pace picking up with each step and when they’re in front of the room Jean turns to her.

“Go get some rest…I’ll be here for a while and no offense but you look awful.”

“I’ll try…thanks Jean. I’ll be in the waiting room if you need me.” He wants to beg her to go home and rest but he knows it’s no use. She wouldn’t leave Eren’s side even if someone were dragging her in the opposite direction. He really wished he could give the brunet that, but he knew he couldn’t. He wasn’t in love with him or anything but without a doubt in his mind, he did love him in some way or another.

“Hey you,” he mutters softly to the male. Pulling a chair to the bedside. He reaches carefully across the blankets that are wrapped around Eren’s petite body so that he can reach for his hand. It’s so soft and on the feminine side. He can tell the male was really taking care of himself before this and he finds comfort in that. “This is some mess you got yourself into.” He laughs but the pain in his voice resonates the façade. He half expects Eren to answer him, but when the male doesn’t he realizes how alone he feels here with him.

“I’m so mad at you, bastard.” He sniffles, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “You leave me without saying a word. You don’t call for years…God dammit Eren we’re so old now. Then you do this to yourself.” He squeezes his warm hand and for a second he thinks he feels the male squeeze back. But he doesn’t.

“I uh…I’ve always cared about you despite the times I said the opposite. So, you can imagine how upset I am to hear that they think you were drunk driving. Idiot.” He thinks back to Mikasa for a second, how upset she must be to know this was how Eren might go out; because he was a thoughtless idiot. But Jean pities him, he was reckless but never this irresponsible before. He can only imagine how sad the brunet must’ve been. To do something like this. “This is pointless, isn’t it? You’re gone.” He shakes his head, resting his hand over his eyes for a second. He’s exhausted, emotionally and physically. Standing up, he leans over Eren’s body to look down at him. Without thinking, he rests his ear against Eren’s chest. It’s difficult with the monitors hooked up to him and all of the wires, but he hears a subtle heartbeat. His own heart reacts and he carefully reaches for one of Eren’s hands. Gently moving it, he wraps the brunet’s arm around his shoulders desperately trying to feel his embrace. He wasn’t crying before, but he is now. Dreadfully sobbing against his chest, Jean grips into the fabric of the hospital bed that smells of sterilizer and death.

“God Eren, just wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up.” He’s hysterical, his eyes now miserably red and his hands shaking. His knees bow and he practically falls into a heap on the floor but he catches himself. Pacing back and forth at the end of the male’s bed, his shoulders fall slightly as he loses hope. He’s lost hope so quickly and he attributes this to the strong sensation of death and serenity coming from the man lying in the bed.

“You know what, bastard? I think I always loved you. I loved your stupid smile and I loved the sound of your laugh. I loved hating you because it was easier than loving you.” Jean laughs, crossing his arms across his chest. But suddenly he leans on the window sill and slumps forward to cup his forehead in his hand. “I hate seeing you like this. I really never wanted to let you go, y’know? How was I supposed to say that? Why couldn’t you just man up and tell me? Instead of running away. Foolish asshole.”

Like most things, Jean doesn’t think about his next action. Out of anguish, he moves back to Eren’s bedside and leans down to cup his cheek. He brushes his thumb over the male’s lips before leaning down to press his lips to Eren’s. Part of him expected that to work, he expected the brunet to magically spring to life and welcome him into a kiss. He’d seen it on t.v. so why wasn’t it happening now?

“Fuck.” He muttered, staring down at his friend as he wiped his hand over his lips. His emotions were erratic and he wasn’t certain whether he should have done that but he had. He watched the male for several moments before the monitor let out a screeching cry for attention. Jean jumped when he heard the flatline noise and his first instinct was to lunge forward and cradle Eren but instead he stood frozen as the room he’d felt so alone in before was suddenly bustling with action. A woman grabbed his arm and led him into the hall where he watched the door. Waiting for Eren to die, his fists clenched hard enough that he was drawing blood from his palms with his own nails. He’d given Eren the kiss of death and while he would grow to resent himself for this, he’d allowed  him to go on peacefully.

It seemed almost cruel that after almost ten years of Eren living in misery, now Jean would be doing the same thing. Everything about them was right except for the timing. And when he spoke at Eren’s funeral he mentioned meeting up with him in the lives to come. This was the only silver lining to look forward to, he promised himself he’d be with him someday. And even if he’d felt he wasn’t in love with Eren, he definitely felt as though he was now that he was gone. Every time he looked into the sea that met him at his backdoor, the swirls of seafoam green in the water reminded him of the fiery brunet. Sometimes he thought he could hear the man talking to him through the wind but he claimed himself to be delusional at best. Perhaps the most absurd thing he’d done was releasing a bottle into the ocean with a note to Eren. It was simple and held almost no logic to anyone else, but it made all the sense in the world to him.

‘To you, 2000 years from now.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❝ᴀs ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀɴᴠᴀs ᴛᴜʀɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙʟᴀᴄᴋ ᴡᴇ sᴀɪᴅ ᴏᴜʀ ɢᴏᴏᴅʙʏᴇs❞ -ᴡᴀᴠᴇ & ʀᴏᴍᴇ


End file.
